In Between Rock Bottom & The Light

My name is Naomi and I’ve lost myself.

I’ve teeter tottered between writing this post and not…and making it public or keeping it private. As outgoing as I am, I’m actually a very private person.  I keep a very close circle of friends whom I trust and confide in.  This group of friends of mine have taken me in and have been my rock.  I’m very appreciative of how they have been very protective of me. For this, I’m grateful… you know who you are.

I initially wrote this as a part of my healing process. With further encouragement from my dear friend, I’ve decided to share this with you all. I didn’t write this for anybody else to read but for me to just write, read, understand and accept. I’m far from being healed.  Quite frankly, I still do not see the light at the end of that tunnel everyone keeps talking about.  As a matter of fact…. where is this tunnel that everyone speaks so highly of? Right now, I’m in a good place.  When I say good…. I mean, I’ve hit rock bottom several times…but I believe that I have climbed and clawed my way out of it.  I may fall and hit it again…but at least this time, I know what it feels like to be out of it.

I have recently experienced a terrible and very tragic loss. To date it’s the worse that I have ever experienced. I’ve lost several family members that were near and dear to me.  I even lost my mother when I was 5 years old to Leukemia. A huge chunk of my childhood was taken away from me because of a very abusive childhood that went well into my adult years. I thought I experienced it all. But my recent loss and pain certainly was worse than all of those combined. I did not expect that. I’m still 100% in mourning and grieving everyday. I do not know when I will be done. It was worse...but it has since become manageable. I have been going through all the stages of grief. I hop from one stage to another and then back to another stage.  It’s frustrating, but I get it, it has to happen and I have to go through this. My loss is and has felt like death. But it is not in literal terms… the death I experienced was the death of my marriage…my divorce. This is a tough subject for me to discuss and talk about in public, to acquaintances, to my clients, to anyone as a matter of fact. I’m part of the wedding industry by profession and I’m a wedding photographer who documents the day my clients marry their best friend. In all honesty, it has been difficult to work and see their love through my viewfinder or while I edit, because it reminds me constantly that I lost my best friend. But I’m learning to separate the two and I’ve come a long way.

Our divorce was very amicable with a lot of love until the very end.  The lawyer that represented us found it weird that we were holding hands coming out of the courtroom.  However, even with love during the entire divorce process, it still did not shield us from the pain. The pain “I” felt was gut wrenching, crying on the floor, crying on my couch, on my friends couch, while out eating, on the plane, while working out, everywhere for minutes or hours at a time….kind of pain. My stomach was always in knots and my anxiety was always high. I love the man I lost.  He is my family and I lost him. And I purposefully say this not in the past tense because I still love him, he will always be a part of me everyday and for all eternity. 10 years does not just disappear with a blink of an eye.  It can be tucked away via distractions temporarily, but it doesn’t just disappear. So I will always love him and I know he will always love me as well.

The cherry on top of this fabulous life of mine was when I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety.  I had a mental & emotional breakdown…..several of them…more than I would have actually liked. It was triggered by the loss that I experienced.  I didn’t know I was suffering from this until I was treated. The pain was unbearable. I could feel it on my chest, my stomach, my throat and I felt like throwing up…everyday.  This was a daily occurrence that went on for a little over 6 months. When this happens I become a hermit.  I hide in my apartment and shutdown completely. I’ve had several people take offense when I do this but it has only 100% to do with me. I still experience this here and there but like I said, its now manageable. I sought out help from a psychologist and psychiatrist and it has been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

I felt the depression and anxiety in the mornings.  Every morning when I woke up it would hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt defeated, overpowered, helpless and worthless. I cried when I woke up, in the shower, as I took my dog out for a walk, anywhere and everywhere unannounced. Everybody said that nights would be tough…but the rebel that I’m, woke up every morning in a fog, in agony, in so much pain and I didn’t know how to get rid of it.  Picture Hillary swank in PS I Love You, the part where she was wearing her husbands white button down shirt and suspenders while singing. In that scene, everything around her was a complete chaos and a mess. Yup, that was me! The only thing that got me through it until I was able to see my Doctor was the support of my friends.  Whenever I called…they answered. They often called and texted me before I would even reach out. They were persistent when I wouldn’t respond. They listened to me say the same things over and over again, cry over the same thing and still they stood by me, they called me, showed up at my front door, fed me, calmed me down, let me cry on their shoulders, prayed with me and for me…they were all there for me. I still feel undeserving of their love and support.  But I’m grateful for them…for not leaving me but for standing by me and helping me to stand up on my own as well. The love and support they showered me with soothed my pain. I’m thankful for them everyday.

It took awhile before I could get treatment for my depression and anxiety.  It was such a painful and difficult…very long wait. But in a way I was grateful for it too. It taught me how to cope on my own and with the help of my friends. But the moment I started my treatment, it was like a light switch was turned on. I felt the difference instantly. I’m not here to tell you to do the same. But for me it worked. I see FB posts about everyone’s beliefs when it comes to mental health and medication. We all have opinions about it, but it was the best decision for me. Before I sought out help and medication, I was paralyzed and debilitated. I literally could not leave my couch for days, weeks and months. You would have to peel me off of it literally. I was physically and mentally exhausted, with no motivation and felt like I had nothing to live for. Several friends talked to me about their experience with medication and all were positive. My therapist encouraged me as well.  So I decided to try this route because nothing else was working and doing it on my own has yielded zero results. Trying to work it out myself just made it worse. It took about 3-4 months before I felt like a person again, a living and breathing human being. I still don’t see the light and I still question the existence of that tunnel. But to feel like myself again, like a human being again that laughs, smiles, that has fire and passion for life and my work again…well it feels really good.  I’m not 100% “there” yet.  I see a wonderful therapist weekly whom I adore and love that she cusses with me. She reminds me that I’m not crazy, “I’m just in a bad situation and its only temporary.” She has also said that, “I’ve passed the half way mark.”  So really, I’m still far from feeling whole again but I’m almost there. I’m an impatient person by nature but I know I still have a long way to go. But I’m finally at peace with where I’m at and with waiting.

So here’s the deal and the real reason I’m sharing this with you all and decided to make this post public. If I could help 1 person and if there is anyone out there in the same boat as me….please message me. I would love to hear your story too.  If I can be a support to you the way my friends and random strangers have been a support to me…I would love to be that to you and help you cope in anyway that I can. Know that you’re not alone.  Will the real depressed and anxiety-ridden person please stand up? Slim shady? Haha! I know what it feels like to feel alone even with a fantastic support system.  At the end of the day, even after I have spent time with my dear friends…I go home to an apartment and it’s just my dog Aoki and me. I have never lived alone until now and I’m 34 years old. I’m now slowly accepting my current status as being “alone” aka single aka divorced aka no more husband aka Renee Zellweger singing All By Myself in Bridget Jones Diary. I’ll be honest, there are days that I despise it, then there are days I don’t even think about it and some days, well, I don’t mind it at all. My whole point is that you are not alone.  But trust me… I still feel alone at times and that’s ok…I’m at peace with it now.

The other reason I wanted to share this is because I couldn’t find anything out there that talked about being in the stage of “waiting” or in the middle. I’m a nerdy researcher by nature and by my previous profession. I always search for the why’s and how’s. Data and analysis makes me smile and giddy. Any proven studies or articles pertaining to my interest that will also educate me, warms my internal organs and dark black heart. Yes, I will always be proud to be a research geek. So B.T. 2015 (before treatment 2015) I searched and searched for hours and days for articles on coping with loss, divorce, yadda yadda blah blah. But what I could never find were articles on what to do when you are waiting or in the middle of “already hitting rock bottom” and “has seen the light at the end of the tunnel.”  I’ve read countless books and articles and it seems as though they go from the beginning and then the end.  Some will touch upon and talk about what they did while they were in the middle…but they never go into detail. As great and wonderful as those stories were to me…I wanted to know what they did while they were stuck in the middle of those two situations.  I want the gory details.  Blood and all! I want to know how long they were on the couch? What did they cook? What did they do to pass the time? How many years did it take and what did they do all those years while in limbo? I know sometimes being stuck in limbo could take years. So what did they do? Being in the middle sucks and it sucks in a lot of scenarios too…middle child, being caught in the middle of an argument, you’re in between clothing sizes…not tall enough and not short enough, getting stuck in the middle of an intersection while the traffic is bad.  I know you get it now…being stuck in the middle most often than not…blows.  That’s where I’m at, I’m in the middle.  I’ve passed hitting rock bottom several times and yup still no tunnel. I desperately want to know what to do now. I’m still trying to figure it out.

I’m writing this for those, who like me, are stuck in the middle or in limbo.  For those that are walking to their destination…one foot in front of the other, walking steadily and nowhere near running that 5k to feeling whole again. I’m writing this for those who are lost and for those who like me just want to know what to do while they wait. Waiting is tough…I like to have things to do while I wait.  Don’t you read a magazine or fiddle with your phone when you wait at the doctor’s office? Exactly…I do the same.  Right now I’m in that waiting room, in the middle, in that awful place of not knowing if you are going to come out of this alive and stronger than ever or not knowing whether or not I come out of this worse than where I was to begin with. I’m definitely pushing for the former!

I’m now in the waiting room…where the heck do I go from here?  I can’t sit still…so I decided that I would work to get myself back…a better version of myself back. She’s been missing for a while.  She’s been hiding under a rock for the past year. I need to find myself again, relearn what makes me happy and what things excite me. I realized that there are a lot of things I still don’t know about myself. I enrolled in as much workout classes as I can physically handle. I’m currently doing Pure Barre, Jazzersice (yes it still exist and its fantastic!), and weight and circuit training with an amazing group of girls.  I’m even reading books!  I’m revisiting my Amy Poehler book and reading a lot of self help books. I decorated my apartment exactly the way I wanted it, I take walks with my dog and started to cook again.  I’ve learned to spend time with friends and say yes when I get asked to go out for a bite to eat or even to a Laundromat (fun times)! I’ve also found my faith again. I was born and raised catholic and even went to private catholic schools in grade school and all of my high school & college years. I was raised believing in a higher more powerful being that is there to love and help us. This is God to me and it might be the universe or something else to you. This has kept me sane. I’ve started “church hopping” and went with friends that graciously welcomed me with open arms to join them and their family on Sundays. I love it.  B.T. 2015 it gave me a safe place to cry and it gave me hope. Every single sermon I felt like the pastor was talking to me and only me. Every week the sermons I hear would hit very close to home. Going to church on Sundays became another form of support that I received. I genuinely love going now and on days that I miss… I listen to their podcast to catch up. My faith has taught me to be calmer and I’m slowly learning that with faith & hope there is also comfort.  Comfort in knowing that all will be well and all will fall in its place the way it should be. It took several months for me to finally say those words but I did and now I accept it. All will be well….”it is well.”  Within my inner circle I have several friends who share the same faith as I do.  These ladies pray with me and for me. I’m not here to tell you to go find your faith or believe in God and convert to a certain religion.  Just believe in something. Anything that will ultimately direct you to that tunnel where that golden gorgeous light will be.

I’ve come to the realization recently that while I’m in limbo, in the middle, in the suckiest place to be… I would just ride the wave and see where it takes me. It took me awhile to get here.  I had to experience several of the stages of loss before I even got here. But to a control freak like me, this is a very scary place to be. I always have a plan for my plan and a back up plan for that. I decided that I would start to get to know me again and everyone around me. To learn how to be in the moment and be present today. I can’t control my situation right now, but I know I can control myself. I’m spending time with those that matter to me and have stopped wasting my time with anything superficial…crazy thing to say since I’m a very materialistic Asian. Ha! I have hit the bottom and have felt the lowest of the lows…I have nowhere else to go but up. But while I make my way up… passing through the middle is taking a wee bit longer than I would like. So I’m filling in the time, gaps and holes by reacquainting myself with Naomi again.

I have helped and hurt many people this past year.  To those I’ve hurt, angered and disappointed, I’m deeply sorry. No amount of words would ever change what I’ve done, but know that it comes from the most sincerest place. This is an unchartered territory for me that came out of left field, I didn’t know what else to do.  All I knew to do was simply shut down. To those that I have helped, I think there is at least one or two of you guys out there…you have helped me believe that my awful and painfully gut wrenching situation somehow has a purpose. That’s a realization I would have never reached without you.

I’m far from reaching the point in my life where I can say… I’m back and I’m happy again.  I’m so not there yet and still doubt everyday if I’ll ever reach that place. I hope to one day look back and laugh at what I’m currently going through. I can’t wait to make light of this terrible and horrific life event. I hope to be able to share my story again one day…but by that time hopefully I’ve actually found that elusive tunnel with the so-called gorgeous light. I don’t know how long it will take for me to get there, but I’m headed towards that direction.  I look forward to the day where I will feel like myself again, where sadness doesn’t overcome my days anymore, where fear doesn’t overpower my confidence, where my anxiety doesn’t paralyze me from working or living and where this life event doesn’t run my everyday anymore than it already has. I can’t wait to laugh really loud again, to stop hiding from under a rock, to have my energy back, to have so much fun and passion that it gives people around me goose bumps and lastly, to work at the level that I know I’m more than capable of. I lost the girl that I once was. But I know I will find her again… a better version of her. For now I’m finding comfort and peace in getting to know myself all over again, little by little. Baby steps.

Hi Naomi…nice to meet you again…it’s been a while.


Note: If you know a friend or family member who is in the same boat as me...feel free to share this post on social media or privately.